“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
—Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
