So an altar boy gets called into the head priests office at the local diocese
Father Flanagan: Tommy, I need you to be a good lad and cover confessional for me for the next couple of hours. I have an emergency I need to get to.
Tommy: Is that ok? Is that allowed?
Father Flanagan: Sure it is. Look, only Mrs. Murphy comes in today. She never does anything wrong. Just listen to her talk about how much she misses her dead husband, give her 3 Hail Mary’s and send her on her way. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
So about an hour passes by and sure enough. Mrs. Murphy walks into the church, lights a candle, and heads straight for the confession booth.
Mrs. Murphy: Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been a week since my last confession.
Tommy (In a forced low voice): What do you want to confess my child?
Mrs. Murphy: Father I’ve done something that might jeopardize my eternal soul. I’m scared. I don’t want to go to hell. Please father. You have to forgive me! God has to forgive me!
Tommy (looking like he’s just realized this confession is about to go completely sideways): Calm down my child. God loves you. Please tell me, and tell God what you are asking forgiveness for.
Mrs. Murphy: As you know, I have been a widower for about 8 years now. I miss Jake so much. I’m always by myself. I’m so lonely without him. So my friends from church group suggested I should get one of those streaming boxes those apple tv things so I can watch more shows but….. I’m just terrible with that stuff so I had the electronics store send someone over to install it and set it up for me.
Tommy (rolling his eyes in dramatic fashion while pulling out his phone to check his instagram feed): Go on my child
Mrs. Murphy: I tried to be nice when that young man showed up. I made snacks, and my raspberry lemonade I make for everyone at sunday school. I went to hand him his lemonade and that damn cat in the neighborhood that likes to hop in my window ran across my feet and I spilled it all over him!
Tommy (feeling more comfortable): God would never be mad at you for spilling….
Mrs. Murphy (beginning to have more panic in her voice): So I tried to make it right, I asked him to take off his shirt so I could clean it for him. I was so embarrassed! So I started cleaning it in the kitchen sink. I felt like such a failure, like I would never do anything right again. So I started crying. I felt like I just made everyone’s life worse and that’s why god took the love of my life from me.
Tommy (feeling saddened): Oh Mrs. Murphy…
Mrs. Murphy (crying): So that’s when that nice young man… Oh god I can’t even remember his name! He came over and put his hand on my back, and he turned me around, looked me in the eye, and then hugged me. We held each other and I don’t know what came over me, but I kissed him.
Tommy (thinking he just dodged a bullet): How did that make you feel?
Mrs. Murphy: Alive. Which is why what happened next, happened next.
Mrs. Murphy: I realized this was the most alive I’ve felt in years, the first time I didn’t feel dead inside. So I dropped to my knees and I pulled down his trousers, and started giving him fellatio. I slid his cock in and out of my mouth and the more I did the more I could feel the heat from him radiate in my throat and the hotter it got, the hotter I got.
Tommy (looking like someone that has completely lost control of the situation): Mrs. Murphy I um…
Mrs. Murphy: We moved to the couch as we both threw our clothes on the floor along the way. I wanted him, he wanted me. I needed him inside me.
(Tommy drops his phone and cracks the screen)
Mrs. Murphy: That’s when I grabbed my ankles so I could watch his face as he entered me but he decided this was going to be from behind. I’ve never let anyone sodomize me before. I knew what I was doing was against god and I’m ashamed to say I loved it. He thrusted into me harder and harder and with every thrust I could feel him getting hotter and bigger….
Tommy (realizing he needs help and in a bit of a panic): My child I think I need my prayer book from my office, I need you to stay here and pray about what you’ve done and I’ll be right back.
Tommy darted out of the confessional. Sprinting through the church halls
Tommy: Dereck! Dereck!
Dereck was the head altar boy, he’d been there longer than any other altar boy and was well on his way in his path to priesthood.
Tommy (He said panting): Dereck! Dereck! oh man quick I need your help! I’m covering for….. never mind just listen.
Dereck: Calm down buddy whats up?
Tommy: quick. what does father usually give for fellatio and sodomy? I need to know quick!
Dereck: Fellatio and sodomy? Oh that’s easy. He usually gives me 2 snickers and a coke. Why? What did he give you?